"The idea that living is a slow revelation, one that, when approached correctly, produces its own desire to continue, is beautiful to me. Answers to philosophical or psychological knots within us are often untangled by time alone, solutions provided in the eternal revelation of being."
...I could not agree more, and at more than twice your age, I have seen this play out time and again. I used to not trust this. I do know. I have come to rely on it, as best I can, based on my awareness and presence at the time.
They key is "correctly". Honesty is central to this. So is a kind of radical openness.
Larkin was a minor lyric poet who seemed old before his time. Rilke, for all his faults and there were many, was one of the great poets of the 20c and beyond. Compare Larkin with fellow Brit Geoffrey Hill, who died a couple of years back, a stern frequently difficult poet on several levels. A working class boy who made good academically , spoke several languages, was totally embedded in his native language, English. Still a controversial figure who never fitted in to academe. If the best critics are those like Hill, who come from inside the language: insert your own list(!), as I think they do, he was up at the top of his game. A radical voice, not in the old fashioned clunky Marxist sense, his last book even veers toward rap rhythms. As you may have gathered, I’m not a fan of Larkin. Prefer Frank O’ Hara. My canon runs from way back to Mark E. Smith through Hill…
"Perhaps the irreconcilable is the driving force behind all creative work. Perhaps artists have an instinct that the disturbances encountered or inflicted upon them in childhood can only be settled if they are reined as restless horses and put to use."
Yes. This. You turn it into a power source, or it destroys you
I cannot agree more how my pregnancies and postnatal periods felt like a fast forward psychological journey. I have never felt as anxious and hopeful as I did in those days. So curious to know if you are you planning to make your tarot into a deck for purchase? I deeply resonate with your art and would love a copy.
I felt my heart tighten uncomfortably when you mentioned your mother, and how at age 4 she was moved from children’s homes to a foster family where she was treated poorly. And her mother leaving for Australia, leaving her behind. My daughter is 4 right now. I cannot fathom what kind of impact that would’ve had on your mother as a child, nor can I stomach the idea of doing that to my child. But your mother’s generosity and steadfastness as a mother to you shines through your songwriting, and she sounds wonderful.
I don’t have the words or vocabulary to express how much I appreciate this post. I really enjoyed reading it. Congrats on the new member of your family. Take care xx
Having committed to a living arrangement that returns me to regular contact with my aging parents, I've re-discovered my mother's devotion to me. It stuns me, especially as over years I'd contrived some typical adult 'rationalizations' to attenuate the closeness I'd felt toward her in childhood. It's not uncomplicated. I'm still learning. But I'm grateful.
---I think we often 'identify' with the poets we most admire, though we cultivate the language of criticism to establish our favorites' 'objective merits'. It occurs to me that of 20th-century English poets, Larkin is one whose fans take special pains to 'curate' his reputation. I get that; different fans identify with different things. Martin Amis and Clive James are among the advocates who emphasize, with his craft and 'lyrical' brilliance, his reasonableness, his humane decency, and his courage in addressing hard-to-articulate 'problems' of our shared lives. I'm a fan but don't agree with paeans to his decency and reason. Instead, it seems to me that he used craft-mastery as defense against judgments of his impulsiveness and a disposition that was fragile and deeply human. I end up identifying with the passionate prejudiced Larkin we see much more clearly in his prose jazz reviews. Often, I don't agree with his judgments, but, rather, that there's something in the "sweetness" of things (like jazz) we love dearly that makes us impulsive, reactive, myopic, and 'selfishly' adoring. (See his coda for the Introduction to _All What Jazz_, something else where I love the passion without wanting to touch the idea of the writer's 'decency' < https://www.poetryverse.com/philip-larkin-poems/all-what-jazz>) Of the Larkin poems I admire, the one that strikes me with the same raw vulnerability of impetuous "love" is "For Sidney Bechet." To me, it's the one where he dares to adore in public, without irony. ---As you're thinking through the fraught legacy of parent and child, you might like to look at James Fenton's essay on the troubles of growing up Larkin, "Wounded by Un-Shrapnel" (an essay not in favor with curators): < https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2001/04/12/wounded-by-un-shrapnel/>. ---I'll have to reacquaint with Geoffrey Hill.
This is one of the most beautiful reflections I have ever read in my life.
The part about your mother was exceptionally beautiful and heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but feel immense love and respect for her. Thank you for sharing this very personal and vulnerable story with us.
Also, reading your essays I can only hope that one day all would be printed out and can be bought in a book form.
Absolutely stunning piece of work and reflections.
This ties in so well with something my partner and I have been discussing lately. That in the modern obsession with psychologising and putting everything in neat boxes we are tamping down the magic. When you are open to receiving signs, lessons, revelations and epiphany’s at any time through any person or experience ( not advocating undiscerning experience junkie- ism here), experience gained naturally through the course of one’s life. Things naturally unfurl, unravel, start to make sense, are reflections of our ancestors and call backs to previous themes. We don’t need to pin down our experience like butterflies on a board but let them consistently weave through our story. I have found songwriting to be a great help in gently tracking this process without pinning it down. If songwriting is done well and I believe you are a master at this, you allow the songs to hint at experience, at lessons learnt but they are not explicit, there is still some degree of mystery retained. Songwriting becomes a process of gently holding the butterfly in your palms, (songs are fragile things. As are revelations)not too tight not too loose until they are ready to be let free.
As one conceived out of wedlock this has me reflecting on my life choices. An earlier insight was that I spent a large part of my life in search of validation while rejecting the path being cleared/chosen for me and struggling through the undergrowth to find my own. To find the space where the Wings could spread. Identity. What a thing it is. The who/ what we struggle to become. For what? To discard, to let go, to become. I just realised I’m currently unwinding, loosening just a bit more. Thank you.
I’m sure I remember that tapping at the window song.
"Perhaps this is why I have been able to be such a solitary person for such a large part of my life - I have no fear of the line going slack on the sense that I am loved; Hers are virtues cultivated in the awareness that it is possible to feel hopelessly alone in the world."
Love this, it resonates. I recognise my own mum in your words - she's also a compilation of the birthdays of everyone she's ever known.
Regarding your 'legacy', I don't know how to articulate how I see you other than just that — that I see you. Through the songs and the paintings and the essays, what an honour it is to 'know' my favourite artist in this way. A joy to read your experiences and thoughts as per x
Congratulations Laura! Hope you're all doing well... the topic of matrescence is incredibly interesting - the fact that this transformative process happens from each pregnancy, not just when you become a mum for the first time. Hope you're getting some rest here and there, Jemma x
1. I am attending my first tarot workshop (with Sarah Faith Gottesteiner on the constellation of the 9s). A prerequisite for the workshop is knowing our card of the year....so I calculated it this morning using my birthday + 9 = 20. Judgement. Um.
2. I cried reading about your mum texting you & caring for so many. I am stepping into leading song circles for mothers+ women. The songs & togetherness have already been a profound path for really beginning to heal my own mother wound. I hope my daughter can feel my unwavering love through her life (something I didn't have.).
Thank you, Laura. I hope you are enjoying the baby snuggles.
"The idea that living is a slow revelation, one that, when approached correctly, produces its own desire to continue, is beautiful to me. Answers to philosophical or psychological knots within us are often untangled by time alone, solutions provided in the eternal revelation of being."
...I could not agree more, and at more than twice your age, I have seen this play out time and again. I used to not trust this. I do know. I have come to rely on it, as best I can, based on my awareness and presence at the time.
They key is "correctly". Honesty is central to this. So is a kind of radical openness.
Larkin was a minor lyric poet who seemed old before his time. Rilke, for all his faults and there were many, was one of the great poets of the 20c and beyond. Compare Larkin with fellow Brit Geoffrey Hill, who died a couple of years back, a stern frequently difficult poet on several levels. A working class boy who made good academically , spoke several languages, was totally embedded in his native language, English. Still a controversial figure who never fitted in to academe. If the best critics are those like Hill, who come from inside the language: insert your own list(!), as I think they do, he was up at the top of his game. A radical voice, not in the old fashioned clunky Marxist sense, his last book even veers toward rap rhythms. As you may have gathered, I’m not a fan of Larkin. Prefer Frank O’ Hara. My canon runs from way back to Mark E. Smith through Hill…
"Perhaps the irreconcilable is the driving force behind all creative work. Perhaps artists have an instinct that the disturbances encountered or inflicted upon them in childhood can only be settled if they are reined as restless horses and put to use."
Yes. This. You turn it into a power source, or it destroys you
I cannot agree more how my pregnancies and postnatal periods felt like a fast forward psychological journey. I have never felt as anxious and hopeful as I did in those days. So curious to know if you are you planning to make your tarot into a deck for purchase? I deeply resonate with your art and would love a copy.
+1 🙏 ❤️
I felt my heart tighten uncomfortably when you mentioned your mother, and how at age 4 she was moved from children’s homes to a foster family where she was treated poorly. And her mother leaving for Australia, leaving her behind. My daughter is 4 right now. I cannot fathom what kind of impact that would’ve had on your mother as a child, nor can I stomach the idea of doing that to my child. But your mother’s generosity and steadfastness as a mother to you shines through your songwriting, and she sounds wonderful.
A beautiful and timely message for me as I have recently been struggling to find the answers to unknowable questions. Thank you 💕
I don’t have the words or vocabulary to express how much I appreciate this post. I really enjoyed reading it. Congrats on the new member of your family. Take care xx
Thank you for this, x
Having committed to a living arrangement that returns me to regular contact with my aging parents, I've re-discovered my mother's devotion to me. It stuns me, especially as over years I'd contrived some typical adult 'rationalizations' to attenuate the closeness I'd felt toward her in childhood. It's not uncomplicated. I'm still learning. But I'm grateful.
---I think we often 'identify' with the poets we most admire, though we cultivate the language of criticism to establish our favorites' 'objective merits'. It occurs to me that of 20th-century English poets, Larkin is one whose fans take special pains to 'curate' his reputation. I get that; different fans identify with different things. Martin Amis and Clive James are among the advocates who emphasize, with his craft and 'lyrical' brilliance, his reasonableness, his humane decency, and his courage in addressing hard-to-articulate 'problems' of our shared lives. I'm a fan but don't agree with paeans to his decency and reason. Instead, it seems to me that he used craft-mastery as defense against judgments of his impulsiveness and a disposition that was fragile and deeply human. I end up identifying with the passionate prejudiced Larkin we see much more clearly in his prose jazz reviews. Often, I don't agree with his judgments, but, rather, that there's something in the "sweetness" of things (like jazz) we love dearly that makes us impulsive, reactive, myopic, and 'selfishly' adoring. (See his coda for the Introduction to _All What Jazz_, something else where I love the passion without wanting to touch the idea of the writer's 'decency' < https://www.poetryverse.com/philip-larkin-poems/all-what-jazz>) Of the Larkin poems I admire, the one that strikes me with the same raw vulnerability of impetuous "love" is "For Sidney Bechet." To me, it's the one where he dares to adore in public, without irony. ---As you're thinking through the fraught legacy of parent and child, you might like to look at James Fenton's essay on the troubles of growing up Larkin, "Wounded by Un-Shrapnel" (an essay not in favor with curators): < https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2001/04/12/wounded-by-un-shrapnel/>. ---I'll have to reacquaint with Geoffrey Hill.
I hope you will write a novel!! Your thinking and writing skills suggest it.
This is one of the most beautiful reflections I have ever read in my life.
The part about your mother was exceptionally beautiful and heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but feel immense love and respect for her. Thank you for sharing this very personal and vulnerable story with us.
Also, reading your essays I can only hope that one day all would be printed out and can be bought in a book form.
Absolutely stunning piece of work and reflections.
This ties in so well with something my partner and I have been discussing lately. That in the modern obsession with psychologising and putting everything in neat boxes we are tamping down the magic. When you are open to receiving signs, lessons, revelations and epiphany’s at any time through any person or experience ( not advocating undiscerning experience junkie- ism here), experience gained naturally through the course of one’s life. Things naturally unfurl, unravel, start to make sense, are reflections of our ancestors and call backs to previous themes. We don’t need to pin down our experience like butterflies on a board but let them consistently weave through our story. I have found songwriting to be a great help in gently tracking this process without pinning it down. If songwriting is done well and I believe you are a master at this, you allow the songs to hint at experience, at lessons learnt but they are not explicit, there is still some degree of mystery retained. Songwriting becomes a process of gently holding the butterfly in your palms, (songs are fragile things. As are revelations)not too tight not too loose until they are ready to be let free.
As one conceived out of wedlock this has me reflecting on my life choices. An earlier insight was that I spent a large part of my life in search of validation while rejecting the path being cleared/chosen for me and struggling through the undergrowth to find my own. To find the space where the Wings could spread. Identity. What a thing it is. The who/ what we struggle to become. For what? To discard, to let go, to become. I just realised I’m currently unwinding, loosening just a bit more. Thank you.
I’m sure I remember that tapping at the window song.
"Perhaps this is why I have been able to be such a solitary person for such a large part of my life - I have no fear of the line going slack on the sense that I am loved; Hers are virtues cultivated in the awareness that it is possible to feel hopelessly alone in the world."
Love this, it resonates. I recognise my own mum in your words - she's also a compilation of the birthdays of everyone she's ever known.
Regarding your 'legacy', I don't know how to articulate how I see you other than just that — that I see you. Through the songs and the paintings and the essays, what an honour it is to 'know' my favourite artist in this way. A joy to read your experiences and thoughts as per x
Congratulations Laura! Hope you're all doing well... the topic of matrescence is incredibly interesting - the fact that this transformative process happens from each pregnancy, not just when you become a mum for the first time. Hope you're getting some rest here and there, Jemma x
Wow. A few things;
1. I am attending my first tarot workshop (with Sarah Faith Gottesteiner on the constellation of the 9s). A prerequisite for the workshop is knowing our card of the year....so I calculated it this morning using my birthday + 9 = 20. Judgement. Um.
2. I cried reading about your mum texting you & caring for so many. I am stepping into leading song circles for mothers+ women. The songs & togetherness have already been a profound path for really beginning to heal my own mother wound. I hope my daughter can feel my unwavering love through her life (something I didn't have.).
Thank you, Laura. I hope you are enjoying the baby snuggles.